Racist discrimination in Spain has increased exponentially in recent years, and its main victims are usually people of color.

According to the National Institute of Statistics (INE), around 1.5 million Latin Americans live in Spain, which represents almost 30% of the total population of foreigners in that country. However, and despite the common history between these two latitudes, they are one of the groups that suffers the most discrimination.

In recent months, several cases of xenophobia have gone viral, such as that of the Venezuelan journalist Adriana González, who was subjected to verbal and physical aggression by two women in Alicante; or the tragic suicide of two Argentinean twins in Barcelona due to the bullying they suffered at school because of their accent.


And, contrary to what one might think, these are not isolated cases. According to the SOS Racismo Federation, racist discrimination in Spain has increased exponentially in recent years, and its main victims are usually people of color.



According to SOS Racismo, the 347 complaints of racism registered in 2017 rose to 523 in 2021. In addition to Latin Americans, other affected groups include Roma, Afro-descendants, Asians, and North Africans.

Among the complaints registered by this body, the majority (185) were related to institutional racism, followed by the denial of access to benefits and private services, while the rest were related to discrimination in the workplace and assaults.

The Spanish despise the South Americans.

Likewise, according to data from the Council for the Elimination of Racial or Ethnic Discrimination (CEDRE), racism has also increased in access to housing (31%), education (20%) and treatment by security forces and bodies of the State (19%). In the case of Latin Americans, there is great inequality in the workplace xxx video.

According to a study by the José Ortega y Gasset Foundation, although 80% of the children of Latin American immigrants feel “at home” in Spain, only 18.2% of them have a job with a higher qualification (administrators, managers or technicians). ) compared to 27.3% of the children of Spaniards.


Likewise, harmful stereotypes regarding Latin Americans are one of the causes of this discrimination. Especially, Latina women who work in domestic services can be victims of abuse and harassment because they are perceived as “caring,” “helpful” and “up to anything.”



One of the main reasons racism is on the rise is due to negative portrayals in the media and entertainment, the approach of which can sometimes exacerbate beliefs that have nothing to do with reality. For example, ideas such as that immigrants abuse free health care or receive more aid than the Spaniards themselves.

Xenophobia is growing in Spain at an alarming rate.

On the other hand, surveys such as the 2017 Special Eurobarometer or the 2017 CIS Attitudes towards Immigration Survey revealed that many Spaniards (60% according to the latter) believed that the number of immigrants in the country was high or excessive. However, the reality is that, according to INE data, foreigners do not exceed 10% of the total national population.

Likewise, in order to put an end to experiences of discrimination, complaints are of great importance. Therefore, if you live an experience of racist or xenophobic discrimination, or a hate crime, you can go to make a formal complaint to the Ministry of Equality (900 20 30 41), as well as to the Civil Guard or the National Police.







Racism, xenophobia, ethnic differences and discrimination. For centuries, they have been the Four Horsemen of the Social Apocalypse that have darkened the history of humanity for different reasons.

Even now, in the middle of the year 2022, these demons continue to have major repercussions, even in areas where we never thought we would see them before: science and medicine are prime examples.

But how does this actually work? To understand it, it is important to understand that science is full of prejudices. One of them, and in fact the most common, is objectivity: the delusion that science cannot be subjective or be flawed by political and social precepts.


This was the subject of a series of articles published in The Lancet, a weekly British medical journal.



It’s no secret to anyone that for many years, access to healthcare for immigrants and people of color was almost a dream. Even today, when reviewing what happened in the COVID-19 pandemic, we see that the differences continue to be marked.

According to official data provided in real time by the United Kingdom’s Office for National Statistics, the mortality rate for men and women of ethnic groups other than the local one in that country was considerably higher than the others.

In addition to systematic limitations in terms of access to health porno français, the fact that this population was in a precarious employment situation also intervenes, in addition to occupying positions with a high risk of contagion in the pandemic without the proper biosecurity measures.


To explain this, the Lancet authors looked at two key concepts: separation and hierarchy. In the first instance, the first separates the “normal” from the “different”. This distinction responds to social norms and/or geographical belonging.


Then comes the hierarchy, which organizes both groups into priority subgroups. Those with the highest hierarchical power and on the favorable side of the first distinction will obtain greater and better access to health, while the rest must assume their place and survive however they can.



Another of the topics most addressed during the investigation was the racist connotation of certain statements that are taken for granted in genetics.

To begin with, it is important to understand that the human being as a species is one of the most similar in terms of genetic composition, regardless of ethnicity, race, caste, etc. Although the phenotype would seem to indicate otherwise, the genes of a white person and a black person, in their bases, are very similar to each other.

Therefore, it is possible to rule out false statements where it is said that one is stronger or more resistant than the other. After a detailed analysis, the authors were able to conclude that these “obvious differences” really respond to sociopolitical constructions, based on interests unrelated to science or medicine.

And you, do you think that classism or racism has ever limited your access to public health?





We have all heard terms such as gay, lesbian, trans, bi, queer and many others. However, many people are not familiar with all the sexual orientations that exist, as sexual diversity is much broader than some may think. And, as human beings are constantly evolving, new terms and labels are born to explain the vast spectrum of human sexuality.

LGBTQ+ people have always been present in human history. However, their invisibilisation and stigmatisation is the result of multiple cultural, historical, social, religious and other factors. However, the acceptance and inclusion of sexual diversities has become one of the most advocated causes worldwide.


Although the LGBTQ community has achieved legal victories in several countries, such as marriage or adoption rights, the truth is that LGBTQ people are still subject to discrimination, hatred, and there are even countries that punish them with the death penalty. However, openness towards this community has also brought new ways of labelling and understanding not only sexual orientation, but also gender.



The acronym stands for lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, transsexual, and queer. The latter term, which can also be translated into English as “questioning,” is used especially by young people, according to GLAAD, whose sexual orientation is not exclusively heterosexual. Sometimes, they also do not identify as lesbian, bi or gay, either, because of cultural or personal issues.

On the other hand, the “+” at the end represents anyone who does not feel included in any acronym. At this point, it is good to remember the difference between gender and sexual orientation. Sexual orientation (or sexuality) refers to the people you are sexually attracted to. Gender, meanwhile, is how a person identifies within the non-binary, male or female  xnxx spectrum.



We are probably most familiar with sexual diversities such as gay (people attracted to the same sex), lesbian (an adjective for gay women), heterosexual (people attracted exclusively to the opposite sex) and bisexual (a person who is attracted to both men and women).


However, there are 10 other sexualities you should know about. It is difficult to establish which sexual orientations exist, as more and more terms and labels are created every day. But these are the most common ones.


Although originally a derogatory term, many members of the community have adopted it to define themselves. As mentioned above, it relates to both a sexual and gender identity that is not defined in binary terms. The “Q” can also refer to “questioning”, meaning that a person is still questioning their orientation or gender.


This is a person who does not experience any sexual attraction to anyone. Some people consider it to be a sexual orientation, while others consider it to be the absence of a sexual orientation.


A person who is sexually, romantically or physically attracted to masculinity, according to Webmd. These people will be attracted to masculine qualities regardless of how they identify themselves.



Similar to androsexuality but gynosexuals are attracted to femininity.


People who are exploring whether or not they are attracted to people of the same or opposite gender.


Demisexuals are considered borderline asexual, except that they only experience sexual attraction when forming a deep emotional or romantic bond with their partner.


People who identify in this way are physically, romantically and sexually attracted to people who do not have a binary sexual identity, such as transgender and non-binary.


Pansexuals and omnisexuals have similarities. Both are attracted to all people regardless of gender. However, while pansexuals consider themselves “gender blind”, omnisexuals do recognise gender.




10 Most Important LGBTQ Achievements

10 Most Important LGBTQ

LGBTQ rights have come a long way. As everyone is focused on the issues the community faces currently and looking to address them, it’s important to remember where we’ve come from. Looking back, you will notice that the rights accorded to the community were once a daydream. Here are the key historical milestone achievements of the LGBTQ rights movement. 


1924 – The first gay rights group is established

Henry Gerber, world war I veteran, established the Society for Human Rights in Chicago. The group was the first organization to ever champion gay rights in America. It ran a newsletter titled “Friendship and Freedom,” the first-ever recorded gay rights publication. 


1958 – The Supreme Court rules in favor of gay rights

Most Important LGBTQ

A court case was launched against the US Post Office after it refused to deliver America’s first widely distributed pro-gay publication, ONE: The Homosexual Magazine porno xxx. The Post Office and FBI had declared the magazine as obscene material. When the Supreme Court ruled in favor of homosexuals, it was a significant stride for the community. 


1973 – Homosexuality is no longer considered a mental illness

Following years of studies and changes in cultural perceptions, the American Psychiatric Association’s board of directors removed homosexuality from the official list of mental illnesses. 


2000 – Vermont makes a massive stride towards legalization of same-sex marriages

Vermont was the first state to offer same-sex couples the right to enter civil unions. The legal partnerships allowed gay couples the same rights and benefits as heterosexual marriages. 


2013 – SCOTUS abolishes the Defense of Marriage Act (DOMA)

The DOMA act, established in 1996, stated that the federal government did not recognize marriages between lesbian and gay couples. It meant that the couples couldn’t enjoy legal benefits like health insurance and social security. The abolishment of the DOMA act meant that same-sex couples married within their states could enjoy these federal benefits. 


2015 – The death of conversion therapy

The tragic suicide of a transgender teenager forced to undergo Christian conversion therapy hit the nation hard. After this incident, President Obama called for an end of this practice. It was no longer okay for anyone to try changing a person’s gender identity through conversion therapy. 


2015 – Love wins 

10 Most Important LGBTQ Achievements

The Supreme Court declared same-sex marriage as a constitutional right nationwide. Therefore, all states were required to permit Americans to get married irrespective of their sexual orientation or gender. 


2015 – The military allows transgender Americans to serve openly 

Ashton Carter, US Defense Secretary, announced that the army had lifted a ban that prevented transgender individuals from serving in the armed forces. Unfortunately, President Trump rescinded this right in 2019. As of 2021, however, transgender individuals are now allowed to work in the military again. 


2019: New York City honors LGBTQ activists with monuments

New York City erected a monument in Greenwich dedicated to two LGBTQ activists, Marsha P. Johnson and Sylvia Rivera. They both played a vital role in the Stonewall riots and the NYC queer scene. 


2020: The Supreme Court expands the law to protect LGBTQ against workplace discrimination

After hearing three individual cases from two gay men and one transgender woman, the Supreme Court ruled 6:3 for expanding the 1964 civil acts law. The clause was amended to protect the rights of sexual minorities and transgender people from workplace discrimination. 




6 Lessons from the Dying

1. We all have one question at the end of life

When death knocks at the door, most people wonder whether they will be remembered. At some point, you will ask if your life matters. However, leaving a legacy is not all about establishing a huge tech company or attaining celebrity status. Making a difference and being authentic means a lot. The moral of this lesson is that we ought to consider how we make people feel. Work towards leaving a lasting impression on everybody you encounter.

2. Never forget how blessed you are

When patients are confined in hospital beds, and they cannot see the sunshine for days, they value the small blessing the more. Many of us lament over the things that happen to us, regardless of how minor they are. Rarely do we stop to think about the little blessings that life hands over to us. Don’t wait until you are about to breathe your last for you to have a grateful heart.

3. Live your dreams

Many dying patients regret their unfulfilled dreams. They are sad because they didn’t lead a rewarding life because they wanted to please others. The society is a passing cloud, and you shouldn’t allow it to consume you. If you are scared of pursuing your passions, falling in love with people you care for, or doing what you want because you fear judgment, it’s time to put your guard down and live fully. Give yourself the chance to experience life intensely video porno.  

4. Take care of your body

People are often sad when they realise they will lose the uncontrolled and pain-free use of their bodies. That is why they wish that they appreciated their bodies well and ensured they were healthy. Most people that are about to die hate it when others pity them. They are okay with engagement, help, and compassion but don’t pity them.

5. Family and friends are everything

At the end of life, your family and friends will mean everything to you. Unfortunately, many dying people wish they had been more available, kinder, more loving, and more patient to the people they care for. Hug often, and don’t shy away from sharing your feelings with your loved ones. That is where unconditional love lies.

6. Don’t judge another person’s struggle

When your life is about to come to a close, you have plenty of time to think about your past. Some patients feel that their pain is a result of a wrong they did, such as mocking another person that was struggling. You have no idea where life may lead you. Bless and help others without imitating them. 

How to Find the Answer to “What Do I Want to Do With My Life?”

Most of us have no idea what to do with their lives. Even after completing college and getting a job, we find ourselves struggling with finding your life’s purpose. Unfortunately, this isn’t something to simply look up online and know. The good news is that you aren’t alone. Most adults wonder what they should be doing with their lives at some point.

Most of us have no idea what to do with their lives. Even after completing college and getting a job, we find ourselves struggling with finding your life’s purpose. Unfortunately, this isn’t something to simply look up online and know. The good news is that you aren’t alone. Most adults wonder what they should be doing with their lives at some point.

1. Talk to people

Meet or contact at least fifty people. They could be your friends, relatives, mutual friends, or references. Interact with them and find out how they are fairing. Don’t ask for favors like getting you a job or giving you money. Instead, listen to their opinions and have a regular conversation XXX. You will be surprised at how much you can learn from listening to other people talk. Sometimes you will hear winning about how terrible the traffic was, but if you listen between the lines, you will understand their motivations, hopes, and dreams. Piece it together, and you will figure out if that’s the path you desire.

2. What would make your 10-year old self cry?

When we are younger, we have dreams and ambitions. We know what we want to do and aren’t fearless about going for it. As we approach adulthood, our goals are suddenly shaped by society’s expectations. Unfortunately, we cave into the pressure and end up leading an unsatisfactory life. Search your inner-self and find out what you want to do, and then do it. Which talents did you practice in your younger days that you no longer do? That could be your purpose.

2. Prepare for a long journey

Accept that it will take a while and involve countless interactions before you figure it out. Your life’s purpose is likely a moving target that you must chase continually. Many people assume that figuring out what they want to do with their lives is a sudden, magical moment that explains in detail what their life should be. On this journey, you have to stop after a while, reconsider, and regroup.

3. Get started

Irrespective of where you want to be, it doesn’t hurt to start building something. If you’re going to be a graphic designer, learn how to do it, and create a portfolio. If you want to be a writer, what are you waiting for? Remember those good things take time, and your purpose will not fall on your laps. You’ve got to get up and take steps to get you there.

4. Enjoy not knowing

Don’t be anxious while you wait to find the answers. Take pride in the meanderings, the time wasted, the love lost, and the soul-searching. All these things will add up to a unique you. The more you appreciate what you have at the moment, the more the chances of having a fantastic future. Try focusing on the less-pressing issues, and eventually, the answers will come to you. When that happens, everything will be clearer than you expected it to be.

What Makes a Good Life?

You probably wonder what makes a good life. In the show TED talk, Robert Waldinger talks on what constitutes a good life. After posing the question “What makes a good life?”the responses that came in include money, fame and life achievements. However, long-running research by Robert Waldinger provides different answers.

Background of the research

In 1935, Harvard University embarked on a lengthy study to find out what makes happiness in life. The study took in second-year students aged nineteen from Harvard University. The research also included teenage participants from poor backgrounds in Boston. For more than 75 years, the researchers conducted interviews on the subjects. They also checked up on the participants of video porno after every two years to assess how they were doing. The findings of the study about happiness came in as a surprise to the researchers.

Psychiatrist Robert Waldinger presented the findings in TED talks with the title “What makes a good life? Lessons from the longest study on happiness,” in the talk, Waldinger points oursocial connections create our happiness and wellbeing. This is contrary to the opinion of many young people who think that hard work, fortunes, and fame lead to a fulfilling life. Robert Waldinger is the fourth director of this long-running research here are some lessons he talks about.

The three lessons on Happiness

In the talk, Waldinger points out to the three lessons the research deduced from the findings:
1. Social connections are good for the wellbeing of our lives; loneliness kills.
2. Quality connections and relations are more important than the number of relationships.
3. Good relations improve not only our health but our brains too.

The killer – Loneliness

Approximately 20 percent of Americans report feeling lonely. The research discovered that loneliness is a killer. From this, it is clear that social connections and interactions are vital to living a happier and healthier life. Those who connect with family, friends, and community will have a fulfilling life. On the contrary, those who live in isolation will not experience a fulfilling life.

Quality and not quantity or relationships

You do not attain happiness based on how many friends you have. The quality of the relationships you have with your friends will influence your happiness. The study looked at participants aged 80 years trying to find out their view about their life at the 50s. Although health problems lingered, they can still improve their moods. Thanks to their protective relationships from their middle life, which elevates their moods even at the age of eighty. Participants who lacked these relationships (during their middle life) including marriage experienced pain that is more physical during their 80s.

Good Relationships are good for your brain and body

As above, healthy relationships can improve moods and wellbeing at an advanced age. Good relationships provide more than that. Such relationships can enhance your brain function. The research notes that participants, who enjoyed healthy relationships through their life, had an improved recall capacity than those who lacked healthy relationships. The study further shows that those who lacked healthy relationships had declined memory functions.Healthy relationships allow you to have a person to depend on and be happy.

The point to take home is that we should focus on building healthy relationships to enjoy a healthy and happy life. Contrary to popular belief, fame and life achievements do count in our happiness. It is not about having hundreds of friends, the quality of relationships is key to our happiness.

6 Testimonials about Gay Life

grayscale photo of two man standing on body of water

We all have a story to tell – some are sad, and others are very tragic. In this piece, we have summarized some inspiring testimonials from the LGBTQ community. The stories are deeply personal and will encourage you to go through your trials confidently.

1.     Married and Living a Lie

Nick, in his 50s and married to his wife for 30 years, is also gay. “I think my wife has always been suspicious about my sexuality, but things came to light when I had an affair with another man,” Nick says. “From the beginning, there was unhappiness in our marriage with doubts whether we had made the right decision. My wife asked if I wanted to leave, and I said I didn’t. She is my best friend, and we agreed to remain in our marriage.”

2.     Living As a Gay Person in South Africa

two hugging women

As a 17-year old girl living in one of the oldest townships in Johannesburg, Kim faces many challenges. Although South Africa has been progressive about embracing gay rights, homophobia and homophobic violence are widespread. Kim is forced to deal with threats and discrimination every day Xnxx. Since the community Kim believes that girls and boys should act in a certain way, she is forced to hide her identity. “Girls should be feminine, wear make-up and dress up,” Kim says. She hopes that in the future, she can be comfortable in her skin.

3.     I Am Gay But Wasn’t Born This Way

Brandon’s story goes to show that sexuality is not a mere result of biology. His sexual journey through college was run-of-the-mill. Being in a conservative Christian college in the US, Brandon married a woman, even though he felt wrong about it. The confusion was avid, as he even toyed with women once in a while. Eventually, Brandon divorced his wife. It’s always been challenging for him to explain why he is gay, yet he was in love with the woman he married.

4.     A Gay “Soft Life”

Having been raised in an extremely open-minded and liberal family, Emily had it easy when she needed to come out. Her parents and siblings understood and supported her immensely. Emily knew she was gay during her second year in college when she fell for her roommate. Although she had boyfriends in high school, the attraction Emily felt for girls was beyond measure.  

5.     The Gay Boxing Promoter

LGBT banner lot

From a young age, Mark knew that he was different but didn’t know-how. It was not until Mark read an article by April Ashley that he realized that he was born in the wrong body. Mark felt like he had a feminine brain, and in his dreams, he pictured himself as a little girl and never a boy. Growing up in the 80s as a gay person was challenging because transgender rights were non-existence. Mark’s successful boxing career put him in the limelight, making it even more difficult for him to come out. When people became more accepting of gay people, Mark finally found his voice and opened up about his sexuality.

6.     A Gay Indian Crown Prince

Mr. Manvendra came out to himself in 1995 after meeting Ashok, who was the first Indian to come out as gay openly. Unfortunately, when he told his family in 2002, the experience was traumatic. They reacted badly and asked him to get medical help. They even asked religious leaders to intervene. Luckily, over time, Manvendra found peace and lives happily now.

Sexual Diversity, How Does It Affect Youth?

man sitting on brown wooden table

Sexual orientation refers to the emotional, sexual or emotional attraction that one feels towards another person. There are four main types of sexual orientation;

  • Homosexual

Homosexual persons are romantically and physically attracted to individuals of the same sex.

  • Bisexual

Bisexual people are physically and romantically attracted to members of same gender

  • Heterosexual

Heterosexual refers to people who are emotionally and physically attracted to members of opposite sex.

  • Asexual

These group covers individuals who are not interested in sex, but they feel emotionally attracted to other people

  • Bisexual

Bisexual persons are romantically and physically attracted to members of both sexes

LGBT, abbreviation for Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and Transgender is used to describe sexual orientation. Although transgender is more of a gender identity than sexual orientation, these individuals fall under LGBT because they do not fit in the category of being heterosexual or “straight”. For LGBT persons, it often feels as if everyone is supposed to be straight porno.

1.   Psychological and Social Issues

person wearing blue denim jacket walking on park

Gay and lesbian adults confess of feeling ashamed, isolated and afraid of being identified as different during their adolescent years. These emotions can potentially impact on self-esteem and identity formation. According to studies, approximately half of gay people and a fifth of lesbians confess to experiencing verbal and physical assault in high school due to their orientation. Such harassments elevate the likely hood of dropping out of school. Homosexual individuals can also face harassment at home and have a higher risk of being kicked out of their homes and moving to the streets than their heterosexual counterparts.

2.   Difficult Relationships

It is during adolescent and teenage phases that young people learn to relate to peers and potential romantic and sexual partners. This is often complicated for homosexuals and bisexual teens because they lack models of same sex relationships. These teens find it a challenge to meet someone who may be interested, the process of dating, how to flirt and how to introduce the element of sex to the relationship.

3.   Challenges in Accessing Medical Care

Like their heterosexual peers, LGBT youth have the same health care needs that are not necessarily linked to their sexual orientation. However, LGBT persons continue to experience challenges in accessing healthcare services. Some attest to experiencing difficulty in finding hormone replacement therapy, fertility and reproductive services, HIV prevention and treatment options and finding a welcoming primary care service. Others confess discriminatory treatment by health care providers.

4.   Harassment Victimization and Violence

person with blue and red manicure

LGBT youth report experiencing increased levels of harassment, victimization, and violence, including, physical, verbal and sexual abuse. These experiences are also related to substance use, psychological health problems as well as sexual risk-taking behaviour. Scholl-based bullying, harassment and peer victimization based on known or perceived gender identity and sexual orientation remain common. Studies shows that youth who exhibit gender-atypical behaviour or open up about their sexual orientation are prone to becoming targets of victimization. Such harassment victimization and violence lead to mental health issues and posttraumatic stress symptoms.

5.   Family Issues

LGBT teens who are in the process of identifying with their sexual orientation often find it a challenge to disclose to their parents about their orientation. They dislike the fact that they are lying to their parents yet worry about their parent’s reactions. Some teens worry about the possible negative repercussions of disclosing their orientation to their parents.

Straight edge life

Decompression Session

02/01/2005 01:03
Gotta chill. I have a strange restlessness in me. Sure, I’m overdue on a few bills, I’m waiting for a paycheck. That always drives me nuts. But this is more than that. I’m physically restless. I guess the point just came when I realised that I haven’t done shit to make my mark on the world for the last few years. I mean I’ve actually been enjoying the obscurity of programming. The subtle zen sense of invisible glory… of a job well done but unknown. There are beautiful things about teaching yourself to do something that almost nobody understands, fewer appreciate, even fewer respect, and almost none find beautiful.

It’s one way to live. But one thing it does lack is beauty. Beauty is meant to be shared. It is bursting to be shared. The “beauty” of code is very odd. No matter how much I love or appreciate the code I write, it’s never going to inspire someone. It’s far to practical for that. It’s not beautiful in that way. It may do a beautiful job of making something happen. But in it’s own right it’s not beautiful to anyone besides the person who wrote it.

I will make beautiful things again. In their own right. Beautiful in that they change people, or make them think, or make them cry or just make them smile. I can’t live in this cocoon anymore. My feet have to walk, my hands have to work. My body has to move. The things I make… I want them to bring me closer to people. To help me understand them and to help them understand me.


01/31/2005 00:29
I think I’m lucky. I was chillin’ with my dad the other day and he encouraged me to quit my job and do full-time photography again. What kind of cool dad tells you to quit your stable, respectable job as a programmer and go be an artist?

I think if I did it I would have to spend a year or so building my portfolio up first. Cool thing is that it will take me about a year to get out of debt.

Racist Pig

01/27/2005 21:06
I had a phone conversation yesterday with a man who tried to excuse an anti-asian comment with an anti-semitic analogy.

I never know what to do when stuff like this happens. I was totally stunned that this fucker would say something like that. I was angry. Furiously so. This is a guy I work with (sort of) and it was supposed to be a professional conversation, it caught me completely off guard. I was so stunned for a moment I just didn’t say anything. The next time I see him I’ll probably hit the guy. I’m more mischievous than that so maybe I’ll just cut his break lines or something. Just kiddin’. But I’ll think about doing that. I mean what the hell do you do when you run into racist pigs just walking around on the street?

Bordering Straight Edge

01/25/2005 23:52
There’s a light in the corner of my office. The office which is my studio. The studio which is my apartment. It’s small and bright and the glow is orange. These old incandescent lights are my favourites. Nothing else feels so warm.

Tonight it’s pissing me off. It’s the mortal enemy in a very small war. It provides an ambient feeling that fits with my mood and is totally getting in the way of putting that mood into words. I’ve got three monitors glowing in front of me and this damn little light is causing a reflection in all the wrong places. I squint, I shuffle from left to right in my comfy office chair, nothing helps.

I’m in between choice and obligation. The transition hasn’t exactly begun yet, but it’s coming. The obligation of paying off debt and the choice of what to do with my life when the debts are gone.

I never think that much about accountability but it has been a rigidly defining element in my life. Especially in the last few years. It’s like this… If you fuck up. If you make the wrong choice you should deal with it. Don’t hide. Don’t deny the error. Fess up to the mistake and do what you can to fix it. Until it is fixed. Do not stop until it is fixed. This is generally how I am compelled to live my life. Sometimes it feels like a sickness. Sometimes it feels like brilliance. I won’t get into that now. Let’s just say it’s just me.

The bitch about accountability is that if the error is tricky enough to fix it can take a hell of a lot of time to fix it. Take this debt for example. It’s pretty easy to get into debt. Greed, necessity, ambition, catastrophe, you name it. I’ve been stiffed by clients, I’ve spent too much money, I’ve budgeted and I’ve failed to budged. For too many reasons I’ve ended up in debt. And getting out of debt is a ferocious bitch.

In the last five years I haven’t had a single day when I didn’t think about my debt and how to get rid of it. For the last three years I’ve been working my ass off to get out of it.

Tonight I am finishing up a contract for work that will bring me damn close to being completely out of it. It’s going to take another 1000 hours of work and probably 8 months of my time, but it will be done. And it makes me smile. I can’t walk away from this responsibility. I can’t. I have to finish it up or I won’t be the person I need to be. So I work, and delay the other things I could be doing. But tonight is different. Tonight I know I will soon be able to choose something different.

I think that’s what straight edge is all about for me. It’s about accountability and choice. You’re accountable for everything you do and this accountability gives you the ability to arguably defend your choices. No excuses for mistakes. No bullshit. You just learn from what you do or fail to do and move on. You admit mistakes. No pride. No ego. Just fucking do what you can to make this world better. Or yourself better. Or to help your friends. To once and for all do the things that I want to do and to defend my choice to do it. Nothing is fun if I have a burden on my shoulders. Mental, financial, physical, chemical, whatever. I’m accountable for my own life so I might as well make it what I want it to be. Straight edge.


01/24/2005 01:57
Woke up this morning snuggled up with my girl on her totally cool new couch bed thing. I might just have to get one of those myself. I don’t sleep on my bed, I sleep on my couch. I don’t like my bed and her couch is vastly superior to mine. On my couch I wake up alternately with tweaked neck muscles, tweaked back muscles or hilarious imprints from the fabric of the couch on my entire body. Sometimes all three.

But that’s not my point. It was nice to wake up snuggled with someone. You know the feeling… a cold winter night and a warm arm thrown over your ribs and around your belly. A warm leg over yours. 2 am tug-o-war for the blankets. Getting anchored by cats, an 80 lb rottweiler puppy, or whatever fuzzy pet you might have in the house. Yeah, you know the feeling. Makes a guy want to clean up his apartment and get himself a comfortable mattress.


01/18/2005 00:33
My window is open and I’m sitting shirtless in a breeze of midnight air (sorry ladies, no photo ;-). This is unusual for January in Eugene. It’s 58 degrees according to the thermometer in my car. After more than a week in the 30s it feels like 85.

I’m restless. I’m going just a little bit bonkers. I never know how to figure restlessness out. Is there genuinely something wrong, something that needs to be fixed? Is it all in my head? Is it just chemical? The confusing result of a chemical imbalance from stress? Too much work? Too little sleep? Sometimes I’m just too bored of this feeling to do anything about it. I seek distraction or purpose and motivation. It never seems to fix the problem though. I always end up right back here. Restless. Restless and clueless. I don’t know what’s missing. I have no idea. It’s a weird aching feeling that’s probably going to get worse until I take the time to figure it out.

Sometimes I wonder if there’s some sort of condition that describe me. Some medical term of “ariism” or some shit like that. Ariism: the condition of being a hopeless basket case who suffers from a strangely partial sense of self awareness, a lack of motivation, and a tendency to over-engineer his porno life.

Ug. I’m going to sleep. This fresh air is too nice though. Maybe I’ll just sit here for a while staring at the ceiling, trying to catch my cat, Josie, and pet her for a bit. She’s pretty shy. Really shy actually.

New Ride

01/14/2005 23:52
So… I traded my green Jetta for a grey Jetta. I’m much happier with the grey one. No seat heaters but it’s got an extra gear. And that’s nice. I’ll be paying for it until the end of time and that’s ok. It’s the one of the last of the Jetta GLIs with the MK4 body style and I’ve wanted one for a long time. The new jetta body style (the mk5) is coming out soon and they aren’t pretty. Looks just like any other car.


01/14/2005 23:34
Some things can’t be fixed by a good fast drive on the back roads of Eugene. Most things can’t be actually. There’s got to be maintenance. I think that’s the key. You have to do a little bit every day to keep shit from falling apart.

I’ve been looking at my life in retrospect tonight. The last few years have been positive and negative. Black and white. Honestly I know that a good amount of the trouble I was having a while ago was made much worse by the fact that I wasn’t taking time to maintain even the most baseline level of health. Mental or physical. Given, I was pretty damn overwhelmed with the hellstorm of crap happening around and to me. But I am convinced that today isn’t any easier in terms of funky stuff happening, it just feels easier because I’m actually taking care of myself physically and mentally.

The funny bit though, is that this whole healthy thing is completely foreign to me. My past has been governed by luck, strength and endurance. Not health, intelligence or planning. I feel like I’m growing up in some pretty fundamental and tangible ways. It’s odd. Very odd.

Trade In

01/10/2005 10:23
So I’m trading in my car today. I’m not totally sure that it’s all going to work out financially but I am totally sure that I do want to do it. I spent most of the weekend sort of pondering whether or not I wanted to do it, but the fact is that this one item is the only thing in my life that still has my ex-wife’s name attached to it. Yup, shared title. And that’s something I want to change. Plus, it’s green and it’s got a leather interior. Both of which I despise. It was her choice of cars. So that will be cool. I figure it’s a good way to start the week.

I got all of my smaller projects done this weekend. I wanted to clear all of that stuff out so that I could focus on my new job. This new project is going to be pretty committing. I’m excited about it. But I don’t want a damn thing to get in the way. Cool enough…. More later.